Is Your Child Evil?

Do you ever wonder, when your child does something really naughty and doesn't appear to care about the consequences, if your child just has a natural "evil" streak? (Evil is probably too strong of a word.) Maybe you wonder if your child will always be a little bit rebellious.

When I ask this question of you, I am thinking about my own son, the youngest of seven. This little tornado of mine is strong-willed, destructive and rough. He regularly dumped all of his toys out of the two big buckets I kept them in within his room. He didn't dump them out because he was looking for a specific toy; he dumped them out just for the sake of it. He would also take the sheets off of his and his brother's beds and empty all of the clothes out of their dressers into a jumbled pile in the middle of the bedroom floor.

He did this several times a day until I removed all of the toys from his room. That's when he started rearranging his furniture. I would find their dressers situated in the corner of the room as if he'd been trying to build a fort out of them there. Later, I would find his dresser and his bed in the middle of the room where I would catch him in the act of jumping from one to the other.

He has broken several expensive items in the house. He loves electronic gadgets, and, no matter how high up out of his reach we place them, he finds a way to climb up to them. Going to the bathroom and having to take my eyes off of him for that minute is risky business in my house.

Yet despite all of this, he is really very sweet. He loves to cuddle up with me on the couch while watching "Dora the Explorer," "Peppa Pig" or "Tomas the Tank Engine." He gives me kisses often. He tells me he loves me. He beams with pride when I praise the scribbles he lovingly draws for me. When he is in his stroller while we ride on the bus, he leans himself as far over as he can to lay his head on my knee and hug my legs.

His eighteen year old sister jokes about his tendency to take things apart and then smile about it. She says he is amazingly clever. She says he is an evil genius who is on his way to becoming an evil overlord. She's right about him being very clever.

I think his intelligence is part of the problem. He is so clever that he bores easily. His curiousity about things gets him into trouble. And he challenges me regularly because, for him, it's fun and it gets my attention.

There is no such thing as an evil child. Some children require more effort than others, but all children are good at heart and just need a combination of rules to live by and the love of their families. Things can happen in a child's life that lead them away from their better nature, but they all start off pure.

I can still remember a day when I was still in preschool. I was (and still am) a chatterbox. My biggest problem in preschool was that I would talk too much and talk when we were supposed to be quiet. I saw everyone as my friend and wanted to chat away with whomever was nearby. One day, I got in trouble for talking when we were supposed to be listening. I was made to stand in the corner and I felt absolutely miserable and ashamed! I can remember the heartbreak of it even to this day. I had not intentionally done anything bad; I had just forgotten that I was supposed to be quiet. And I adored my teachers and was so upset that I had behaved badly enough to get in trouble with them. I cried my eyes out while I stood in that corner.

And I think that is kind of what happens with my son too. He doesn't do any of the bad things he does with any kind of bad intentions. He just forgets that he is not supposed to be doing certain things. He really does want my approval.

And he has it. I love my son, and I believe he is going to do great and awe-inspiring things with his life.

And the answer to the title question is: No, you're child is not evil. And neither is mine.



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Teaching Our Children To Have The Courage To Dream

Very few people have the courage to live life to its fullest. Very few people are willing to take risks in life. Very few people are actively striving to reach for the dreams that they hold deep in their hearts. But there are a few. What is it, exactly, that those few have that makes them different from the rest? What makes them keep trying? What keeps them from settling for less like so many other people do? And if you had to choose whether or not your child would be the type to sit back and settle in life for whatever he was given or would be the type to reach out and take few risks and grab for his dream, which would you choose?

Most of us would say that we want our children to dream and to believe that they can make those dreams come true. Most of us want our children to reach for their dreams. Most of us want our children to set themselves goals and then work towards making those goals a reality. But if we are not living our dream, how are we supposed to teach our children the importance of living their dreams? If we have given up on our dreams, how are we supposed to teach our children not to give up on theirs?

The best way we can teach our children to reach for their dreams, to make goals and achieve them, is by doing so ourselves. Dreams don’t always have to be about careers. Some dreams are very different from that. And how we, as parents, achieve them, teaches our children some important lessons about life.

An overweight mother might dream of losing weight. By taking steps toward being healthier and losing the weight, she would show her child the importance of setting goals and reaching them. If she loses the weight in an unhealthy manner, the weight loss is not likely to be a lasting one, and the child will only learn to go for the quick and easy route or that reaching goals isn’t really all that likely or lasting. But if the mother loses the weight by eating healthily and adding in some moderate exercise to her daily routine, her weight loss will be healthier and more lasting. From this, her child will learn that setting goals can be productive and that it takes time, effort and commitment to meet those goals.

A hard working dad might hate his 9 to 5 job. He might have dreamed about writing a novel ever since he was a child. By continuing to work at his 9 to 5 job, without giving any outlet to his writing dream, he is showing his daughter that it’s better to take what you’re given and accept your lot in life. He will teach her to settle. But if, on the weekends, he writes short stories for magazines and writes a bit more of his novel, he is showing her that it is important not to give up on your dreams. If he actively researches what it will take to find an editor and literary agent, joins writing clubs and continues feeding his dream of writing by taking positive steps towards it, he teaches his daughter that it is worth the effort to work towards your dreams.

A hardworking mom might be unhappy in her current position at work. She might dream of moving higher up the ladder in her profession, but she lacks the education required to do so. If she just accepts that this is as good as it can be for her, then she teaches her child to settle. She teaches her child to give up. But if instead, she starts taking some night courses that will help her eventually get the required education that she needs in order to get a promotion, then her son sees a better example. Her son sees her not giving up. Her child will learn that education is important and that it is important to obtain whatever learning is needed for reaching our dreams.

A dad might have lost his job and be looking for a new one. He might let himself get depressed and mope about the loss of his job. From this, his child would learn about self-pity. If instead, the dad never loses faith in himself and never loses the belief that he will find another job, so he keeps putting himself out there for interviews, then his child learns that it is important to believe in yourself if you want to reach your dreams.

These are just random examples of how people raising families can not just reach for their own dreams but can also be an example of doing so to their children, but there are many different scenarios that will still teach our children to value goal-setting. If we want our children to believe that they can attain their dreams, we have to believe it for ourselves. Children learn from us, not just from what we say but from what we do.

What is it that makes those few people with the courage to take risks and reach for their dreams different from the rest? What is it that makes them keep working towards their dreams? What is it that makes them keep taking step after step towards reaching their dreams no matter what obstacles stand in their way? It’s actually quite simple. They don’t give up. No matter what stands in their way or what seems to be making the task seem impossible, they keep working for it. They believe in themselves and in their dreams. They ignore the people who tell them it can’t be done. They think positively about the outcome of all of their work. They know in their hearts that they will obtain their dreams. They picture themselves reaching their goals. And we have to believe it for ourselves too, if we want to teach it to our children.



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A Very Special Teddy Bear

On my fifth birthday, my grandma gave me a teddy bear. I promptly named him "Teddy," and from that moment on, he was my favorite stuffed toy. He slept with me every night and I even took him with me when I slept over at friends' houses. I talked to him when I was lonely, and I could often be seen cradling this very special teddy bear in my arms.

Many years later, as an adult, I finally gave in and boxed him up with a few other stuffed toys from my childhood. By then, he was dirty from years of being played with and loved and his fur was no longer fluffy, but it just gave him the look of a well-loved teddy bear.

Shortly after my fifth child, Gabriella, was born, I found Teddy as I was going through some old boxes of mine. I put him in her crib that night. To this day (Gabby is now 7 years old), Teddy is her favorite stuffed toy. He's still dirty and worn looking, but he is still loved immensely by a little girl.

As of my last birthday, assuming Teddy was made in the year he was bought and presented to me, Teddy was a 33 year old teddy bear.

From Gabriella's love for Teddy, I have come to two conclusions:

Like mother, like daughter!

That really is one very special teddy bear!

Do you have anything from your childhood that now belongs to your kids and is as special to them as it was to you?

Teaching Our Children To Be Honest

Well, it's happened. My 7 year old and almost-five year old daughters have started lying to me.

I knew it would someday happen, though I still managed to hope it wouldn't. I knew that, despite my attempts to raise them to be honest, the lessons I tried to teach them about the importance of honesty, the example of honesty I tried to be for them, the church lessons they heard about lying being a sin, yes, I knew, this day would eventually come.

This is the second day this week I have caught them in a lie. The first time, I took the kids out for a walk and noticed that they all had paint on the backs of their legs. They tried to insist that they had been nowhere NEAR my paints, but the proof was in front of my eyes. And after I gave them a talk about how much more disappointed I was in the fact that they were lying to me and how much lying to me just made their transgression worse, they confessed.

And we had our first big after-the-lies talk about being honest and how horrible it is to lie to your parents. I really thought I got through to them as the tears of shame streamed down their faces and they apologized.

And then today happened. Even though I find it important to feed my kids in a healthy manner, occasionally, I allow them sweets or chocolate. (Having lost a lot of weight myself, I know that healthy food is important but that the occasional sweet is okay in moderation.) I bought some very low calories dessert sticks called Mikado Sticks as a treat for myself. It was a new flavor - dark chocolate, and the little box of cookie sticks dipped in chocolate contained 22 of these 10 calories sticks.

I have had two this week. I decided to have two more sticks today as it is a certain time of month and I was craving chocolate. I thought 20 calories of something sweet and chocolatey would be a safe way to feed my craving without losing control of my diet.

That's when I found out that the Mikado sticks were gone. They were nowhere to be found. Knowing that they ALL were under suspicion, my teenagers decided to help me look for the Mikado sticks. One of them remembered seeing my 7 year old acting suspiciously while being in the kitchen. I asked my 7 year old if she'd eaten my Mikado sticks and got a vehement denial that she had done any such thing. I asked the four year old with the same results.

One of my other teenagers decided to go investigate the seven year old's and four year old's room. That was where the empty Mikado stick box was found. Despite our discovery pointing to the two girls as the culprits, they still insisted they had not eaten my Mikado sticks. (My admittedly sarcastic thought to this was, so what? They built a playhouse out of them?)

I explained that I knew they were lying; that I was very disappointed to find them lying to me AGAIN, and that I thought they knew better than to lie to me ever again. I told them that they were grounded from having any sweets this week at all because they stole my Mikado sticks and that they were grounded from playing with their friends this week because they lied to me. I told them that lying was the worse of the two things they had done and that they were eroding any trust I had in the things they said every time they lied to me.

After realizing that she was caught and there was no way out of it, my seven year old admitted to having eaten the Mikado sticks, and the 4 year old admitted it too.

This time, the lies were also told to my husband, their daddy. He will have his own talk with them later. (He had been insisting to me that they couldn't have eaten the Mikado sticks because they had "never lied to" him before. Of course, he stopped insisting that once the box was found in their room.)

I am really sad that they have chosen to lie to me rather than face up to what they'd done. It's bad enough that they were sneaking food that didn't belong to them, but it is just so much worse that they then lied about it.

Did I handle the situation correctly? Despite the fact that I have seven kids and have been through this type of situation before with my older children, I can honestly say that I don't know.

How would you have handled it?

Lessons

A friend of mine, Redhead Writer, asked the question:

What is one of the most important lessons you’ve learned?

This is a tough question to answer. I have had to learn so many lessons in my life. They are all equally important. Maybe I should just grab onto one of them and share it here.

It’s really a two part lesson. One is the importance of being true to yourself and who you are, and the other is about having the courage to stand up for what you believe in and for others who don’t have the strength to stand up for themselves.

This lesson was learned when I was about twelve years old. I was in junior high, and I was waiting for the school bus after school. There was a small group of children with mental disabilities who were also waiting for their school bus a little ways away from me. Two other students, rather large boys, started picking on one of the small group. They were really brutal, yelling at him, shoving him, calling him names like “retard” and “stupid.” And he looked really afraid. He didn’t seem to know what was going on or why they were doing that to him.

I was shocked and horrified by what was happening, but I was too timid and unsure of myself to go over and do anything to stop what was happening. I was afraid, and I was weak. Even sadder was the fact that there were so many other students around me who also were just standing and watching and not doing anything to put a stop to what was going on.

A girl who had been walking past from the high school over the road from us came over to the two bullies and started really telling them off. She shouted at them and let them know how little they looked in her eyes because of what they were doing. And like true bullies, they scurried off rather than standing up to her.

I was so relieved and glad that she had stopped them. I also felt ashamed. I knew, watching her, that I should have done what she did. I should have stood up to them. The boy they were picking on was confused and unable to help himself in the situation. I knew what they were doing was wrong, and I should have stopped them. My very nature told me to put a stop to it, but my fear and lack of self-confidence prevented me from helping.

I knew then that I would never stand back again. I would stand up for others who couldn’t stand up for themselves, and I would stand up for myself too.

My parents taught me right from wrong and that being kind to others was a good thing. They taught me empathy. I was a confident child. It wasn't until my preteen years that peer pressure and other influences started to erode that confidence.

I don't want that same confidence-erosion to occur with my own children. I want them to be strong and to stand up for themselves and for their beliefs.

So what can we, as parents, do to help our children maintain their confidence despite all of the hormonal changes they will go through when they reach a certain age, despite the often negative influences from their peers, and despite all of the other pitfalls and obstacles that can be foound in the world outside of our families?